I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize