Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I love having hate sex.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
