Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
