He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
