i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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