Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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