When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
