was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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