i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
