Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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