the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize