1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
