well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
