if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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