someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Text me some of your sweat
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize