I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
