Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
