he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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