wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
