Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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