You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
