I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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