You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
