That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
