I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
