he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
