I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
