If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
