i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
