i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
