my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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