Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
