it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Randomize
