I hate your face
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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