sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
