Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
