I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
