...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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