yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
