Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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