PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
