The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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