He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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