You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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