Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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