May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
