Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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