This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
this just has baby written all over it
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
