Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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