Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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