Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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