Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
