is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
