I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
she peed on how many people?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
