Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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