apparently the secret to your success is patron
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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