Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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