Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
my being single is dangerous.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
