well I can't set my house on fire every night
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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