Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
